Most of you know that I perform marriage ceremonies at the Hall of Records, which replaces City Hall in my area. I do this on alternate Friday mornings for 4 hours. In that time, I am scheduled to marry 16 couples. Some don’t show up, some require a foreign speaker, but I get most of them. It is a joyous job and we usually have a good time.
I marry all folks with the proper paper work and ID. I get my share of gay and lesbian couples in the mix. I had to write myself a little note on my cheat sheet to ask these couples how they want to be referred to in the ceremony. Choices are list above-spouses, partners, wives, or husbands? When I first started and came upon my first gay couple, I was at a loss when I came to that part of the ceremony and had to stop and ask them. They chose “husbands”. This question is now part of my standard opening remarks for same sex couples and it has worked very well. Then this happened.
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Crimson Quillfeather alternate with
Tuesday ejoanna
Wednesday Pam from Calif
Thursday art ah zen
Friday FloridaSNMOM
Saturday Gwennedd
Sunday loggersbrat
As the couple came to me in the waiting room so I could move them to the chapel, I did not notice that one member presented as a man but was not. When they were in the chapel, as I went through preliminary instructions, I realized she was transgender. I was struck with how I should phrase the question, as in should I acknowledge that she was indeed a she or refer to her as sir? I did not want to offend her. I opted to address them both as “Ladies” and to explain the reason for my question, gave the 4 choices listed and they chose spouses. Perhaps I should have just addressed them as “folks”. They were very sweet.
When I discussed this with lil zen, she told me I should be offering these choices to all the couples, regardless of gender. I have never had a gay couple where one presented as a woman so this had not come up before. I want to be respectful and sensitive to all the people who come into my chapel. So I leave this situation here with you all. What would you do or how would you want to be referred to? I am very interested in your answers.